Dear Little Me,

Hey there Lewis. So… you’re 10, not far away from entering high school and feeling afraid. Really afraid of what you’ll be and who will like you.

I thought I’d send this letter to comfort you or just give you a cool letter from the future, y’know? It’s been a long time since today in your day. I’m 24… so that’s 14 years. Really been a while. Anyway, here I am. What do I have to say? Well… I’m not sure.

I guess, first of all, I’ll apologise for not being a veterinarian, all around admired and intelligent guy, or a Jedi. I’m sorry. I couldn’t do it. Oh, and the heart operation you’re getting in the future? That will be the turning point for who you will be for a few years. Maybe I can change the past by saying this: Be true to yourself. Read that over and over and over again until you can recite it like you do your morning prayers.
That’s another thing; I’m a Christian right now. You’re probably confused by that, so what do I mean? “I’m already a Christian, am I not?” I hear you ask. Well… there’s more to it than that—a lot more to it than simply Rangers vs Celtic. The Catholics are not our enemies, for they are Christians too. You’ll laugh at how childish that whole thing was when you get older. My will (what I will do, how I will exist) is now aligned with God’s will. I and his are one. I know Lewis sounds a bit… freedom-less, right? Not really. I have a say in what I concentrate on, but God also leads me. I can choose to do whatever I want (except evil things), and his will [will] influence how that happens.

The content of this letter might be a bit heavy for you at this age, so read this a few times through, when you can. I know you can come to understand, as you’re quite brilliant.

Take care, Lewis. I’m praying for you.

Cheerio!

Hiding yourself for the sake of Acceptance.

Until recently, I’ve been posting to Facebook, where many acquaintances and friends can see what I write. On this quiet night, I ask myself: who would be here and who wouldn’t be here if they knew who I truly was?

The answer is, of course, pretty impossible for me to answer, as it has never been a reality. If you’ve known me for a relatively long amount of time, you’ll know I’m incredibly sensitive… and incredibly daft at times. And by daft I don’t mean that I give everyone I meet a biscuit wrapped in Christmas paper (though that did happen once). I mean, to be… what society deems silly, wishy-washy or foolish. To be truly me. These are primarily negative words, so I’ll try again. I am: a bit strange when I speak; when I make analogies and present relatively childish metaphors. I compare growth to popcorn and explain that citric acid is quite similar to chilli pepper puree – and that isn’t it strange that we eat things that inhibit pain? I’ve always loved spicy food, but why… Doesn’t it hurt? ‘It tastes good’, I say. But then what about my stomach? Isn’t it burning like sulfur? – wait… what were we talking about? Ah, positive example of daftness; dancing madly without grace or style, telling everyone you love them as if you’re leaving tomorrow, purchasing a Sloth soft toy and treating it as if it’s alive.

At this point, I’m embarrassed, but I’ll keep writing. So back to the title, ‘Hiding yourself for the sake of Acceptance’. In my esteemed and highly respected opinion (sarcasm, if that didn’t translate well to text), acting like a chameleon, changing your complexion to fit the environment, can be good at times. In small bits. But take it even further and you’ve crafted so many personas exclusive to each environment that you cease to understand who you are anymore – in getting caught up in your own illusion, you end up fooling yourself better than anyone. This is horrible. I did it in high school and I habitually do it now. Here’s an analogy that might not work – Y’know when a good old chap gets addicted to something, may it be alcohol, video games, tattoos or food? When he engages with that addiction, he ends up becoming the addiction; he drinks and loses himself, he covers himself in 50 tattoos to remind the world that he likes/are associated with this and that, he eats spicy food every day because it makes him feel something, he plays video games every day after 5pm to escape reality.

All of these things are okay in moderation but once you are attached to it, it’s hard to let go, as it comforts you, solidifies your identity, makes life bearable. Despite this, we are able to free ourselves – free will and all that, y’know. But what if you don’t? What if you continue in it, seeing no harm? Things go okay or they go downhill, for maybe you’re comfortable with this addiction in your veins? It’s a part of you, is it not? I DID THIS. This is the addiction I can’t seem to shake. And maybe that’s the case for you too?

Truth is powerful. The truth is, everyone is more than what they do, what they wear, what they read, what they accomplish.

On earth, everything is a competition: Fila vs Adidas, Rich vs Poor, Wise vs Dumb, North vs South. But why…? Sure, competition pushes forward innovation, but at what cost? Our true selves, our true way of being.

But then… who are we if we don’t compete? What if prioritise love, forgiving and forgetting?

Peace.

Hi, hi!

Hello or hi! I’m Lewis. I’ve had this blog for around 2 years and I haven’t been posting all that much since a year ago. My vision was for this to be my space, where I can share stuff, offer ideas and make connections. Unfortunately, I haven’t been on here at all! I’ve been on Youtube, Twitch and a little bit of Facebook but here? Not written anything at all!

A reintroduction is in order, eh? So, I’m a student at the Open University, a university that works online – I send in my assignments through email and speak with others through forums and such. I’m studying the Arts and Humanities, and honestly, I didn’t know what that meant at first. So, ‘humanities’ is like… the history of humanity, our culture’s, our creations, our aspirations, our place in the world and all that jazz. The art side of it is… expression through many mediums; writing, drawing, painting, composing music, dancing and a few more. I’m really enjoying it. It’s definitely my kind of area when it comes to studying. I love ideas and actions taken by others to invite change.

I’ve also been looking for a part-time job for a while – Fortunately, I got an interview this Tuesday for a position at Greggs. I think it went pretty well, I speak better through writing than through my mouth of course, but it went alright!

Today, I’m bashing my way through the study of Mozart, which is pretty interesting and, at times, incredibly difficult when you have no idea what a ‘concerto’ or ‘sonata’ is. Did you know that his sister, Maria Anna ‘Nannerl’ Mozart went on tours with him at a young age? I had never heard of her before, only her brother Wolfgang Mozart, which is a shame. In fact, while Mozart continued to go on tours with his dad Leopold, Maria Anna was advised by her father to stay at home and learn housekeeping from her mother. So… Wolfgang (Mozart) went away on tour with his father and found further fame while his sister was stationed at home preparing herself for marriage to be a housekeeper. Besides that, the nice thing is she became a Piano teacher to make money while she was learning how to be a housewife. It’s just a shame that she was needed at home and didn’t get to tour as much as Wolfgang did. Due to her gender, she wasn’t supported in following her passion and career as a pianist.

‘The differences in the children’s upbringing reflect eighteenth-century beliefs about gender: while Wolfgang would one day be financially responsible for his whole family, Nannerl was expected to marry for financial support’

Halliwell, 1998, in The Mozart family: four lives in a social context.’

Bit crap eh? Even worse, none of Nannerl’s works survived, so we have nothing of hers to listen to…

L + T

“You’re a monster! When will you stop blaming me? You did it, with your hands, with your anger, with your lack of self-control. You, not me.” said a voice.
A boy named Lumin sat beneath the generous cover of the crimson rowan tree. It rested atop a hill so high you could see the Luminous [tall structure] a thousand miles away. The harsh and accusatory ‘voice’ inside his mind was called Twi. The boy and the voice had quarrelled for 24 years, and there was no perceivable way that they would ever get along.

The boy lowered his eyes and fidgeted with his tiny fingers. 

“I…” said Lumin solemnly

Lumin was struck with many contrasting thoughts, some agreeing, some objecting to what Twi had suggested. Though he didn’t say a word, he only frowned and tore a small red leaf into multiple pieces.

“That’s it?” Twi uttered, “Some narrow little eyebrows? Hm…”

“What are you thinking about?” Lumin muttered in response

Lumin couldn’t help but blurt out his question. He was often curious and couldn’t stand it when he had no idea what people were thinking. He got the feeling that he must prepare himself for anything before hearing Twi speak again. To Lumin, his presence was suffocating, claustrophobic even. He held back his anger, as he knew it would do nothing in this situation, as Twi wasn’t physical, just a voice inside himself  – he couldn’t hurt him or make him shut up, no matter what. So he put up with it for the rest of the hours in the day until he was tired enough to sleep, just as he always did.

In the following hours, the voice chattered on and on until it eventually hit a very high note and woke Lumin. 

“I’LL SAY IT AGAIN!”

Lumin awakened groggily, rubbing his eyes.
“Perhaps a little less harsh… so you can take in my infinite wisdom smoothly?”

“You’ve been quite horrible, but you’re not a wyvern, a monster, whatever you want to call it. Those sorts of things, the big nasties. At least physically, I mean you don’t have skin as coarse as a wyvern’s and slimy and revolting as a snake. Yet, inside, you are. People just don’t see it! And… they need to be careful!  Lumin is dangerous – yes, he’s a big nasty. Y’know why? Because he doesn’t listen to me enough. Instead he listens to that embarassingly empathetic man down by Warwick Bridge! Daft, daft daft! That’s what you are. Why talk to these sorts of people? You know they’re just talking with you in order to fill some sort of virtuous purpose. A purpose they only chase because they desperately want  to show off their ‘goodness’ to those around them. Fake! Unlike I, for I tell ya straight! Unfiltered, no nonsense! Y’know…”

When Twi finished talking, which took a while, mind you, Lumin noticed the newfound silence and began to weep. The wind from the west blew a few leaves off the good old’ Rowan tree he lay beneath and shot a chilly shiver down his back. He snatched one of the leaves and held it securely within his hand, protecting it like a friend. Loneliness crept in. Feelings similar to the chilly breeze clung around him like film. He was cold, and now his entire being was too. 

After a few moments of sweet, sweet solitary peace, Twi crept back from wherever he had receded to. The boy certainly wasn’t ready; he was getting quite comfortable with the silence. 

All the thoughts of the voice came back, clouding and choking the boy’s peaceful respite.

“Just went to the shop for some milk and poe-tatties. Rest assured, for I am back!” the voice pleasantly announced

“Oh.” muttered Lumin.

“Oh, oh, o, capital ‘O’! Why don’t you find me funny eh? I mean… I can’t go to the shop, I’m in your head, pretty funny right?”

“It is a good joke and I found it funny, I really did. I’m sorry I didn’t laugh. I’m just not in the mood.” huffed Lumin

“Ah… because I’m back…Okay, okay, okay. You know what? Let’s do a wee flip!” suggested Twi. “I need some excitement, so I’ll be strange for a change… put myself in an uncomfortable place I’m not used to. Don’t ask why! Just go with it.”
Two days before, Twi had paid attention to a conversation between Lumin and the man down by Warwick Bridge. He was too proud to admit he had listened to them the whole time, so he didn’t mention a peep of it to Lumin. 

At present, a slight twinge of light lay inside the heart of the voice. The conversation two days ago had kindled this light.

Nonsense

The fried chicken took four steps into heaven. Four buffalo and one human climbed the mountain five miles behind. The fried chicken lost a leg on the way there, despite the journey being an easy one. The buffalo and the human eventually reached the sky fully intact, due to their unwavering faith in themselves and their God. Two steps away from reaching the summit (that being heaven) the buffalo and the human collapsed, falling straight down to the bottom. The fried chicken laughed and mocked their failure, and a second after its last word was uttered, it fell too. 

At the bottom, there they laid, the fried chicken (who wasn’t fried anymore) and the ‘failures’ who had faith in themselves and God. Unlike the others, the fried chicken was devastated by this failure and continued on and on about how unfair this had been on him. The others said nothing, only subtly glancing to see if the chicken was crying. It was, but it hid the sadness well and the tears weren’t noticed. 

JLM

N’harro here, once again. I’m running out of water but fine on edibles. I left my home village around 3 days ago; It was a comfortable accommodation but there were too many people. I couldn’t relax. The place is accursed but.. who am I to say that? I’m a pretty “accursed” person myself. The road isn’t visible anymore; the sand changes the terrain constantly as I barely find the right direction. I wonder if it matters if I die? Those people back there won’t remember. 

N’harro sighed

In other news: the sun is scorching hot. I need water. I’ve been sitting in the sand since early sunrise and I’m not quite sure about how I will get through this. Did I make a terrible decision? Getting lost in the middle of nowhere isn’t much of a great outcome. I left so much behind there, all for a fresh start.. but I can’t help but feel like it was an entirely impulsive decision. If only all of this sand magically switched to water, I wouldn’t be hacking madly because of my coarse dry throat!

N’harro got up from his position on the sand of the all familiar dunes and tried to look for a path where there was none. He sat back down with his head hanging like a lanky flagpole in a sea of wind.

Written Prayer #9

Father, for the past while, I’ve been spending a lot of time away from You. I’m sorry.

Sometimes I feel that You don’t love me – despite what your word, the Bible says.
I’ve been treating my short times with you as more of a religious practice rather than a spiritual one. Really, I only make time for you when I’m really struggling. Help me adjust this attitude towards you. Guide me towards you every morning, evening, night, hour, minute and second.

I will try my best to be aware of your presence, and believe that you care for me ‘more than the birds in the sky’. Assist me in this.

Praise you always,
Lewis


‘We can’t dash into God’s presence and choke down spiritual inwardness before we hurry to our one o’clock appointment.’

Calvin Miller

‘As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love’

John 15:9

God teaches.

In failure, God has taught me that there are many chances. I might have messed up, but I have another shot!

In having a lack of money, God has taught me that some things you buy are meaningless. He has highlighted the things that genuinely influence and improve my life.

In depression, God has taught me that I don’t know everything and may not be perfect in my thinking or everything I do. But, I am trying to improve every day to the best of my ability.

In waiting, God has taught me that life isn’t about worldly glory; becoming known or accepted by people.

In disappointment, God has taught me that it isn’t the end of the world if I mess up. I can learn from the bumps and try again.

Proverbs #1

26/09/2021

Inspired by Robin Dewar’s Sermon at Harvest Christian Fellowship


When people don’t trust each other, unity is sure to fade.

Competitive ambition can corrupt unity. The original aim is blown to the side, and brothers tackle brothers.

All believers are individuals. Despite this we are able to relate and gather together.

The reputation of one, does not reflect the reputation of their company.

Despite the existence of many denominations, all of us who believe in Christ are together.

Diversity brings difference – it brings variety, innovation and insight.

Unity is hard to put into practice but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible!

When things get hard, it isn’t a ‘sign’ that you should stop trying.

God doesn’t look at us as soldiers or pawns, we are apart of his family. This includes God himself, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and all the angels.

God’s point of view is ultimately more true and multifaceted than any human’s.

The world doesn’t understand the forgiveness given to all, despite what they’ve done – they see it from a human point of view, not God’s.

We must keep connected to the Source, Jesus. Sometimes we stray further from the source of all truth and goodness – we are called to come back to and around the Source.

Why wait until something is broken to make an effort to fix it? It is wiser to sustain it before a breakage even occurs.


Written Prayer #8

Sunday, 19th of September, 3:00pm 2021

Dear Father, creator of all that exists, including me.

Church went well, and everyone spoke well. It was very powerful today – thank you for the messages for others in the Church and the opportunity to praise you, pray for others and sings songs in your honour.

I pray for and keep in my prayers: Mark and Sharon, Sammy, Brandon, Helen, Auntie Allison and Uncle Alan, My Mum, Andriy and Joy, Michael and Anna, Robin and Jenny, Mark and Margaret, Tom, Jack, John, Brandon, Elizabeth, Willie and Jane, the Foodbanks around the world, Fiona, Pauline, Victoria, Rebecca, Hannah, Dan, Connor, Faith and Akira, Marissa, Praveena, Arleen, Talia, Brianna, Kakooza, Kiyemba, James, John, Akilah, Amanda, Badger, Steven, Kieran, Forrest, Caylie, Tim, Eric and many others on earth right now.

Thank you that I have the freedom to shop for necessities, live under a solid roof, experience warmth and educate myself.

In Jesus name I pray for them and to you, Amen.

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